The Room Episode 1
Conor Dunwoody is thrown into a white room. In the room is a single bed and a cupboard. Conor- Ah fuck. Where am I? Conor walks over to the cupboard and opens it. Conor- Hmmm. All that's in here is 'Pride and Prejudice' and a pack of cards that's been left for so long it's evolved into some kind of organism. Pack of Cards- Don't you go dissing me you wanker. Conor- Shut up Cards. Jack King is thrown into the room. Jack King- Fucking hell! Conor- Woah! Who are you? Jack- My name's Jack. Who are you? Conor- I'm Conor. Pack of Cards- And I'm Wallace. Jack- Nice to meet you Conor, Wallace. Conor- I can't believe they put two of us in here. It's overcrowding! I might go and complain! Pack of Cards- To who? Conor- I don't have to actually talk to them. Jack- What, you're just going to complain in your mind? Conor- Yes, but my imaginary complaint will be very strongly worded. Jack- So you'll say that you're not going to stand for this bullshit? Conor- Not that strongly. Jack- You may as well. No one's gonna tell you off if you're just thinking it. Conor- What about the Thought Police? Jack- The Thought Police? Conor- Don't go mocking the Thought Police. They'll crush you with their imaginary batons. Jack- I'll throw mind rocks at them. Conor- They're equipped with Theoretical Riot Gear. Jack- Fine, I'll cycle away on my hypothetical mountain bike. Conor- They'll easily outpace you with their fiction cars. Jack- Enough of this. You aren't going to lodge a complaint. Conor- What else are we going to do? We could be here for days. Jack- Weeks. Conor- Months. Jack- Years. Conor- Decades. Jack- Millennia. Conor- I can't think of anything bigger than that. Pack of Cards- My cock? Conor- Shut up Wallace. No one's laughing. Jack- You have a point though. What are we going to do? Jack- Play cards? Pack of Cards- You come near me and I bite your balls off. There is silence for a few more seconds. Jack- You see the footy last night? Conor- Nah, don't really watch football. Jack- Oh. More silence. Conor- You played Pokemon Black or White? Jack- Not really. Saw a couple of the adverts though. Conor- It was a hard choice. Everyone was banging on about how anyone who got white was a racist, but on the other hand if you went to all the effort to show everyone you weren't a racist to begin with, it might actually make everyone think you're a racist. Jack- So basically anyone who plays Pokemon is a racist. Conor- A subliminal one, but yeah. Jack- You should be ashamed of yourself. Conor- I guess the question is whether I should make my racism more obvious or more sublime? Jack- Just... don't be racist... I guess. Conor- Oh yeah. Slightly more silence. You know, to mix it up a bit. Conor- Uh... Sam Hobson is thrown in. Sam- Stop touching me all over with your strong, hard, damp man hands! Wait- what am I saying? Carry on! Jack- Who are you? Sam- Oooh. Hello. Jack- Yeah... hi. Sam- You are vvvvery big. Jack- Hmmm. Sam- And moist. Jack- RIght. Conor- You didn't answer him. Sam- The names Samuel L. Jackson. Conor- That must get difficult. Getting mixed up and all that. Sam- Not really, because I'm a white, geeky homosexual where as he's an old, rugged black acting legend. Conor- Three people in one room! This is ridiculous. Sam- Don't go complaining or the Thought Police will be breaking down your Frontal Lobe. Jack- We've already had this conversation. Conor- Well, what do we do now? Jack- I guess we wait. Dialogue starts to fade...: Sam- Oooh, one bed, guess we're sharing! Jack- Oh Fuck.